Introspective Thoughts On Introverts...

There's nothing more I love than reading an article that grabs me and won't let me go. This article by Susan Cain, 'Why The World Needs Introverts' had me hook, line and sinker from the word go.

All my life, I've lived with the notion that I was 'shy'. When I was four years old, I used to run into the bathroom anytime anybody came to the front door. Whereas most kids see blowing cake candles as a birthday pleasures, I saw it as unwanted attention; whenever the cake was brought near me...you guessed it, I screamed and ran out of the room.

My school reports, from the age of five to eighteen, all said the same thing: 'Jennifer is quiet, and must learn to speak up more.' When I joined secondary school, I let my friend Megan introduce me to my peers, being mortified at the idea of doing it myself.

Anyway, you get the picture. I've always been very 'annoyed' at being shy- not just the label, although, as fellow shy people can testify, being called 'shy' continuously only serves to make you more so. I wanted so badly to be like my extroverted friends: to not be struck with fear when meeting new people, or just speaking up in class. I even had schoolmates question me: 'Why are you shy?'. They might as well have asked me 'Why do you have bad teeth?' (as I did when I was fourteen- god bless braces!!). The answer is the same for both questions- 'I don't WANT to be shy/have bad teeth- I didn't ASK for it- it's just a part of who I am.'

But, like those train track braces that ruled my life, I found a way to beat my shyness as soon as I hit eighteen- god bless university. I'd been edging out of it when I was sixteen/seventeen, but being pushed into living with complete strangers was exactly what I needed. I soon realised that the way to beat shyness- note I didn't say 'cure', as I know it's never going to go- was to stop being afraid of people. To stop being afraid that I was going to say something stupid- or stop caring what other people think. This is still something I struggle with- that endless pursuit of approval. I don't mean to stop caring in a heartless way- I mean in an empowered way.

The personality growth didn't stop at university. When I went to Australia solo- something I NEVER would have done before university- I came to another realisation. It's actually OK to be shy. Rudeness is never acceptable- and shyness, sadly, can be interpreted that way. But being quiet- having introspective moments- not being the life and soul of the party- those were all OK. You were still a good part of the group, you could still have your say. Cain only reinforces this recent realisation of mine- by going one step further and saying- even putting it as her title- that the world NEEDS introverts. The suggestion that, in this extrovert-led world, being shy or ntroverted is not a hindrance, but a necessity. It's a basic law of physics: this world needs differences- it needs balancing opposites- in order to function.

Me and Meg, aged 8, in one of our more 'extroverted' moments as Spice Girls!

If you've read this far, you're probably wondering why all of this has been brought back to memory by Susan Cain's article. Well, I've been doing a typically introspective thing; I've been analysing myself according to her definitions, and realised a very terrifying, exhilirating thing. All these years, when I thought I was a shy introvert...I could have actually been a shy extrovert. The possiiblity that I could be both was something I'd never considered before- I just thought shy was shy was shy. As Susan Cain says in her article, ."...for all their differences, shyness and introversion have in common something profound. The mental state of a shy extrovert sitting quietly in a business meeting may be very different from that of a calm introvert – the shy person is afraid to speak up, while the introvert is simply overstimulated – but to the outside world, the two appear to be the same."

Now, in my role as a teacher, I'm treading this introvert/extrovert line very carefully. In order to be a good teacher, you need a little bit of both. The trouble is, you need very specific qualities of both. You need to be a good listener like an introvert, but you cannot escape speaking to large groups of people. You need to be able to command attention like an extrovert, but you have to let other people shine too. Or course, all jobs are wrought with these personality contradictions; I'm sure that I will discover more in my working life. For example, being a waitress demands an constant shining confidence (or at least some semblance of it), but also requires knowing your place within a team- and not always trying to lead it.

So, which am I? AM I a shy extrovert- uncomfortable with attention, but always wanting to be involved in everything? Or am I just an introvert- overstimulated by big group situations, and feeling more at ease when one-on-one with somebody? You know what, I think I might be a bit of both, and that ambiguity- busting that 'shy' label wide open- is the most exciting prospect of all.